04 Dec Ninja in the Woods
While I certainly remember being so bored at High School that the imaginary was a sole relief, and really did once see a student running on the roof, convinced she was a cat and chased by teachers, students in Barnegat, New Jersey went completely off the page recently, confined to class after reporting a ninja running through the woods.
With all public schools in the area locked down, and presumably guarded by clueless B-movie henchmen, the ninja was within half an hour revealed, mask torn climatically off, to be something else: a camp counselor dressed in karate uniform, carrying a plastic sword.
Which is only marginally less disturbing than an actual ninja in the woods.
By way of explanation, the counselor, apparently late to a costume day at a nearby middle school, entered fully into the spirit of a shinobi assassin and took a stealthy, speedy shortcut through the trees.
It seems crying “crazy man dressed all in black!” really can get you off class. But don’t forget to mention that he ate your homework.
With quite a lot to do with the previous story—ninjas, swords and being completely lost in the trees—Godfrey Ho’s seminally bad Ninja Dragon (1986) features a final fight scene somebody should have called the police on—twenty-three somersaults, two moustaches, a quite disturbing use of eyeliner and the following script:
Bruce Stallion (Paulo Tocha): You’re so stupid—you killed Fox and my men
Gordon the Ninja (Richard Harrison): And you, you started the war.
Bruce: You were the winner, but I’m not going to give you that chance, this time.
Gordon: You’re on. You don’t know an important Chinese principle.
Bruce: My principle is to chop you down!
Gordon: Hmm. You must use the Chinese against the Chinese. You’re playing the game of death!
Bruce: Nonsense! You’re going to give me back every piece that you took.
Gordon: Unless you die a ninja.